Sunday, June 17, 2007
This wasn't the Father's Day I was expecting...I had planned to take my husband out to dinner on Saturday night...we had argued earlier in the week about which restaurant we would go to...the steak restaurant he wanted to go to (even though I'm not a big steak eater or the seafood restaurant I wanted to go to)...and then I was going to make him his favorite spinach pie for dinner on Sunday with phyllo dough...just the way he likes it...I was going to cook...just for him.
But, sadly...life took a twist and a turn...a roller coaster ride you could say...not like the menopausal roller coaster...but a bit rougher ride...he had a complication from his catheritization earlier in the week...I thought his heart was back in rhythm...it was in rhythm for a few days...but then the beat went off-key...his rhythm turned into a clot and he was bleeding internally...and the next thing I knew his blood pressure was all the way down to 60 over 40...and he was in ICU...and I was thinking...I'm 49...I'm not even 50...I'm not ready to lose my soulmate...the person who has been next to me in bed for the past 23 years (24 if you count the year before we were married...one of our happiest I might add...living in sin...as my mother and father would say)...no...I was not going to lose my soulmate...not on Father's Day weekend...and not before my 50th birthday.
It was a scary roller coaster ride this weekend...lots of twists and turns...but thanks to great doctors, surgeons, nurses...and a whole lot of prayers...my husband got knocked down but he is going to get up again...he is not going to miss my 50th birthday...I won't let him...and I won't let him miss his birthday tomorrow either...I'm going to sing him a happy birthday song...even if he doesn't remember (I'm not a very good singer anyway)...even if he can't blow out his candles right now...I'm going to sing him a happy birthday tune...and maybe I'll eat a piece of birthday cake for him...or a birthday cupcake...even if he can't enjoy it now...I'll enjoy it for him.
Life is truly testing me during my 49th year...it's hitting me hard...but I'm like the Helen Ready song, "I am Woman, Hear Me Roar!"...yes those twists and turns on the roller coaster of life are doing a number on me...especially this week and this weekend....life is testing me...am I passing
...I shed a few tears (okay, I shed many tears...and will likely shed many more...I'm allowed a few extras for the menopausal tears and the roller coaster tears)
...I had to make some tough decisions...do I let me kids see their dad in this condition or not...I said "no"...did I make the right decision...I don't know...but I made a decision...which is something that is not easy for me to do...especially when I'm on a roller coaster
...I cooked my spinach pie anyway...I made a huge spinach pie and my son and I ate a few pieces and I froze the rest for a later date when my husband is well and I can bring him a piece in rehab
...I bought a birthday card for my hubby...even though he is sedated and won't remember the card...I'm going to bring it to him tomorrow...it's good that he won't remember it...because I think it is the same exact card that I bought him for his birthday last year (it's a really great card so he will just have to get it two years in a row)
...I went food shopping...haven't done the family food shopping in a long...long...long time...but my sweet dear hubby...who normally does this chore...left a list for me (maybe he knew he was going to be sick)...down to the last aisle of where I had to go to find the peanut butter...the super chunky kind...I did a pretty good job...only forgot one or two items on the list.
I'm passing...but I can't wait to have my soulmate back...by my side...to complain to when I come home from work...to talk to about his (and my) aches and pains...to age with...to love...even if he hides the Saran Wrap in a place where I cannot find it when he is not here and I run out of Saran Wrap to wrap up all the extra pieces of spinach pie...I miss my soulmate...hope he gets better soon and comes back home so I can give him a big hug.