Defining Moments

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve...December 31st...the last day of 2007...tomorrow is the last new year's eve I will ring in as a forty-something...and what a year this has been...I knew it would be a year filled with ups and downs...and downs and ups...but I never thought it would be a year of such catastrophic change...for me and for my family.

It is just shy of two weeks since my husband's passing...just short of two weeks since I picked out his resting spot...I remember driving to the cemetery with my brother-in-law (my husband's older brother)...as we both grieved in the car and wondered how this had all happened...how this had all happened so quickly...I said to him that "I never thought my 49th year would be filled with such a defining moment as losing my spouse." "Defining moment," he said, "This is not the defining moment...the defining moment is what you do afterwards...how you go on afterwards...that is the defining moment."

I've been thinking about those words since my brother-in-law said them..."the defining moment is what you do afterwards...how you go on afterwards...that is the defining moment"...yes...I've been thinking about those words...and about the other defining moments in my life...and what I did afterwards...

...like the defining moment when I graduated from high school and went to Cornell University...that was pretty big on the scale of defining moments in my life...it was a whole new world of learning...a whole new world of growth experiences;

...like the defining moment when I graduated from college and took the summer off to chaperone a teen tour on a camping trip across the country...I had graduated and was off to see America and Western Canada...to see the sunrise over the Rockies...to see the sunset over Lake Tahoe...to shoot the rapids in Wyoming...to see the big brown bears in Lake Louise and Banff...it was such an incredible trip...one I will always remember;

...like the defining moment when I returned from my summer travels and had to get a real job...a job in the big city...in New York City...I remember becoming a secretary in an ad agency...I knew how to type...I had a college degree...I knew I could make this job work;

...like the defining moment when I knew I could do more and was ready for a change (two months later...the defining moments happened more quickly when I was younger...I grew restless more easily)...at that moment up popped a new job right around the corner...a fabulous job as an editorial assistant at a magazine...what a wonderful job...writing...meeting new people...going to exciting press parties in the food, fashion, and beauty industry...it was lovely...at least for two years...until I grew restless again;

...like the defining moment when I left the city and took a corporate writing and public relations job outside the city...yes...I left New York City...my favorite city...but only during the day...at night I returned back to my teeny-tiny one bedroom apartment...the teeny-tiny apartment that I shared with a roommate...the teeny-tiny apartment in a third floor walk-up...in a muddy green tenement building...the apartment that enabled me to call myself a sophisticated 'city girl';

...like the defining moment when I met my husband...I was 25 (ah...so young...ah...to be 25 again)...he was 32...we fell in love...we moved in together...we explored the the city together...there were so many spots we frequented...walks downtown to Greenwich Village...walks uptown to Central Park...and Saturdays were the best at the green market in Union Square;

...like the defining moment when we left the city and moved to New Jersey...and I started another corporate job(that was a 'biggie' moment...not sure how he convinced me to leave the city...but he did...I made the move...despite the traffic circles and the task of learning how to drive again (drive a Cutlass...yes...I drove my husband's Cutlass Supreme...I wanted a big car around me if I was going to drive in New Jersey)...I made the move;

...like the defining moment when we tied the knot (on Superbowl Sunday in 1984...back in New York City on a cold January day);

...like the defining moment when we bought our first home (it wasn't exactly a house...I wasn't able to go all the way...I was still used to being a city girl...so we bought a townhouse...with a galley kitchen...and a carport instead of a garage);

...like the defining moment when I gave birth to my daughter (was I scared...boy...was I scared...I didn't know how to take care of a child...I remember when we brought her home from the hospital and I sat up all night listening to every murmur she made...was she okay...was she hungry...did she need changing...I did not know for sure...but as time went on...I learned how to be a mom);

...like the defining moment when I gave birth to my son (was I scared...boy...was I scared...I never had a brother...I didn't know how I was going to raise a little boy...I didn't know a lot about sports...and how was I going to potty train him...I left that up to my husband...he did such a good job (he did a great job with the sports too)...and I remember the pediatrician saying that 'no boy ever went to college without being potty trained');

...like the defining moment when we bought a real house...not a townhouse...but a house with a lawn and a backyard...and a two car garage (was I scared...boy...was I scared...how was I going to take care of this house...how was I going to pay for this house...the realtor had shown us a much more expensive house than we had originally planned to purchase...she knew I would fall in love with the large kitchen...and especially the artistic kitchen tiles...and want to buy it...and I did);

...like the defining moment when my daughter graduated from high school and left for college (was I scared...boy...was I scared...my first born going off to a strange new place...leaving the house...the house with the two car garage...and the large kitchen...with the beautiful artistic kitchen tiles);

So many defining moments in my life...and now one of the biggest of all...losing my spouse (sooner than I ever imagined)...boy...am I scared...and soon my daughter will graduate from college (and hopefully move to the big city...just like her mama did almost 30 years ago)...and my son will graduate from high school and leave for college (my baby boy...off to a strange new place...leaving the house...the house with the two car garage...and the large kitchen...with the beautiful artistic kitchen tiles)...wonder what I will do now...maybe I'll have to change the artistic kitchen tiles...they are getting a bit old...maybe I'll have to remodel the entire kitchen.

Defining moments...I'm thinking about those words again..."the defining moment is what you do afterwards...how you go on afterwards...that is the defining moment"

Judi

One Day At A Time

It is Christmas...it is two weeks to my 50th birthday...50 weeks since I started counting down my 49th year...one week since my husband passed away...one long week..."life changes fast"...said Joan Didion in "The Year of Magical Thinking"...the book I read the past two days...amazing how I had not read a book in almost a year...yet, I read this book in two days...two days...I took solace in the grief she described...the grief she wrote about her deceased husband, John...the grief I am now feeling for my own husband.

As the memorial candle burns I am thinking about how my life has changed during my 49th year...yes...after 24 years of marriage...24 long years...in just six short months...in just one short week...my life has dramatically changed.

I still can't figure out how to work my new microwave oven...I wasn't worried about not knowing how to work my new oven...I thought my husband would be home eventually...he would show me how to work it...

I still can't figure out how to change the answering machine that says my husband's name when I check the messages...I wasn't worried about not knowing how to work the answering machine...I thought my husband would be home eventually...he would fix it...

I never changed the outdoor light bulbs either...the big bright bulbs that light up the outside of my house...even when the days grew shorter and the nights got darker...I didn't change the bulbs...or adjust the timer...I wasn't worried about not knowing how to fix the outdoor light bulbs...I thought my husband would be home eventually...he would change the bulbs...

But now...but now...I'll have to read the new microwave oven manual...and I'll have to call the telephone company and ask them how to change the voicemail message...and the light bulbs...the light bulbs may remain dark for awhile...but the days are getting longer...so there will be more light around the house...spring will be here soon...if the groundhog sees his shadow...or maybe not.

"So what are you going to do?"...I asked myself many times this past week..."How are you going to move on now that your husband is not coming home again?"...each day as I went to the hospital while my husband was sick...people would ask me..."How are you doing?"..."How are you managing through all of this?"...and my answer to each question would be the same old thing "I'm taking things one day at a time...one day at a time."

As I start to gear up for 2008...the year that likely will be my own year of "magical thinking"...I know there will be good days and bad days...days of many tears...and days of laughter...as I remember the past 24 years with my late husband.

The memorial candle will burn out in a few days...January will be here...my birthday month...a new calendar will be posted...another year of 365 days will begin...not sure how I will manage through them all...I'm not going to worry about it right now...nope...life is too short to worry...for now...I'm going to take things "one day at at time...one day at a time...just...one...day...at...a...time."

Judi

How Do I Love Thee?

Today is a sad day...I'm not sure what to write...what to say that will make me feel better...my husband...my soulmate...my almost 25 year partner...passed away today...he decided he had fought the good fight...after six months of suffering he laid himself to rest.

He never asked me if it was okay...if I was going to be okay...I think he knew...he knew in his heart that I was going to be okay...so he decided he could leave me...I guess he was putting me to a test the past several months...he wanted to see if I was going to pass the test...and today...today...I guess he thought I had...at 49 years old...just shy of the big 5-0...he left me on my own.

So what do I say to my dear husband?

...the person that I shared almost half my life with

...the person who picked me up when I was down

...the person who always listened...whenever I needed an ear

...the person who taught me about sports...like Yankee baseball...and Giants football (and who was patient with me when I tried to follow the games...patient when I didn't know what was going on...patient when I asked stupid questions because I didn't know what was going on)

...my dear husband

...the person who cooked fabulous meals for me...like his baked salmon with dill sauce...like his turkey burgers on soft, fluffy potato rolls...like his tangy barbecued chicken with homemade coleslaw and crisp potato salad...like his famous pasta casserole with tons of cholesterol-laden cheeses... and like his sensational Thanksgiving feasts with hors d'oeurves, specialty tur-duck-ens, smoked turkeys and luscious, cheesy mashed potatoes...nope...Thanksgiving will not be the same without you

What do I say to you...my dear husband

...who gave me the biggest and best hugs...whose long arms when wrapped around me made me feel so safe...so secure...so loved

The only words I can say are the words of one of my favorite poets...yes...Elizabeth Barrett Browning said the words of love so eloquently...so my dear husband...as I count down in my final days to my fiftieth birthday...as the fifty tears fall down my face...the only words I can say to you are the words of my favorite love poem:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Yes, I will miss you...I will miss you...I will miss you...and with our daughter and our son...I will always remember the good times we had...for the rest of my life...let the good times roll.

Judi

A World on My Shoulders

There are 26 more days to go...26 until I turn 50...I have to hurry and get the world off my shoulders...the world that I've been carrying on my shoulders for almost 25 years...no more...when I turn 50 I want to just carry my two shoulders on my body...not the world.

That's it...starting today...starting today I'm going to simplify my life and take the world off my shoulders...my life needs to be real simple...now that I'm turning 50 I don't want a complicated life...what measures should I take...hmm...hmm...hmm.

For starters, instead of buying enough food for a family of five or more...especially when there are only now two in my household...I'm going to buy less...I'm not going to fill my shopping cart to the brim with food I won't eat...or don't need...just because it is on sale...or because it looks good...that will also simplify the process when I come home from the grocery store...I won't have as many bags of groceries to put away...less weight on my shoulders.

Next, I'm going to stop doing the job of five...I'm going to focus more...just be me...not me times five...and I'm going to shift from two bags to one briefcase and one handbag on my shoulders each night...I don't need to take home so much work from the office...I need to get all those bags off my shoulders. (Hold it...hold it...where will I put my Snapple that I bring to work every day...I don't think it will fit in my briefcase...uh oh...I can't leave my Snapple at home...I better rethink this...maybe I'll just downsize to the job of three...there's me, myself and I...yes, three is better than five...I'll do this gradually.)

Then...then I think I'll stop some of my magazine subscriptions when they run out...no more Vogue and InStyle...I must choose...make better decisions...I don't have time to read both magazines...but, which one should I choose...I do like the celebrity and accessory info in InStyle...but I do like the interesting stories in Vogue...I know...I know...I will only allow myself to purchase the September issue of Vogue and maybe...maybe the Spring fashion issue...but I don't need a subscription anymore...less weight on my shoulders (although the September Vogue is usually a pretty heavy magazine at 700+ pages)...but think of all the weight I'll take off my shoulders the rest of the year. (Wonder if I should switch and buy a subscription to Real Simple magazine instead...especially if I'm going to simplify my life...no stop it...stop it now...no more magazines!)

I'm going to cut down on my newspaper purchases on the weekend...from three to two...two Sunday papers are enough...and maybe I'll try to spend less on clothing...fewer, bigger, better purchases...Armani here I come!

I feel the weight lifting already...it's getting lighter...I'm standing straighter...wow...how did I keep the world on my shoulders for almost 25 years...so glad I'm turning 50 and finally realizing that the world is a big place...too big to be situated on MY shoulders any...any...anymore!

Judi

One in 3 Million

It's December 8th...one month to go until I turn 5-0.

I was researching the Census data today and trying to find out exactly how many of my fellow "turning fifty in 2008-ites" there were out there...from my readings...not exactly sure that I was reading the chart correctly...but to me...to 49 year old me...it looks like I am going to be joined by approximately 3 million other 1958ers who turn 50 next year...and that includes some pretty hip and cool people...according to my husband's AARP magazine (of which I will soon have my own copy)...I am in the company of some pretty hip and cool people turning 50...people like:

- Madonna...one of my idols...but I didn't need AARP to tell me about Madonna's birthday...I am so hip and cool I already knew about it...I'm already planning to attend her birthday concert on August 16th in Central Park...that will be on the list for my summer celebrations during my fiftieth year.

- Ellen DeGeneres...Ellen D. is so much fun...wish I could watch her show more often...I wrote her a note and told her to invite me to her on-air birthday party on January 26th...not sure she will read my note...especially if I am one of 3 million people turning 50 the same year as she is...why will she care about inviting ME to HER birthday party...maybe I should invite HER to MY birthday party instead!

- Sharon Stone...Sharon is turning 50 on March 10th...I didn't know she was the same age as me...I remember when she wore a Gap teeshirt to the Oscars...what year was that...according to AARP magazine, Sharon likes dark chocolate...I like dark chocolate too...wonder if I eat more dark chocolate if I will retain a figure like Sharon Stone.

- Michelle Pfeiffer...Michelle looked pretty good in the "HairSpray" movie this year...however, she did play a mom...not like her sexy character from many years ago in "The Baker Boys."

- Prince...Prince is turning 50???...he will always look like a kid to me...Purple Rain...Purple Rain...that may have to become my song for my fiftieth year...(I may have to dress in purple...I used to wear more purple...but it isn't really one of my best colors...but maybe my skintone is changing now that I'm getting older...maybe I can wear purple more often...will have to check out some purple sweaters and see if they look good with my 50 year old skintone).

Madonna, Ellen, Sharon, Michelle, and Prince...not too bad a group to be turning 50 with...some pretty talented people were born in 1958...3 million of us...there's going to be a whole lot of candles to blow out in 2008.

Judi

December Countdown

It's December...it's the final month of the year...my countdown year is nearing an end...let's see...there are 31 days in December...minus the past four days...that's 27 days...and then I have to add eight days in January...that's 27 + 8 = 35 more days...35 more days and I turn 5-0, fifty, fif-tee, 5 x 10 = 50.

I have so many plans to make for my fiftieth year...I get to be 50 for 12 months...for 365 days...the entire 2008 year...so that means I can really celebrate ALL YEAR LONG...no need to rush the celebration...let's see...I think this is such a big milestone that I really need to celebrate in a big way...I really need to do all the things that I put on my list...no choosing...I should do everything...everything...everything...why wait...I'm only going to hit this big number once in my life...so I better make it big.

Yes, I'm going to go to the Golden Globes in January and be a celebrity groupie...and I'm taking my fellow 50 year old high school friend with me...she doesn't know who any of the celebrities are anymore...but that's good...then if we don't see any celebrities when we are camping out near the red carpet...she won't be disappointed. (Note: This wasn't on my original list...but I added it...I always wanted to do this when I was younger...and now that I'm turning 50...I'm going to listen to the Nike ad and 'just do it!')

Yes, I'm going to have a birthday party...my daughter wants to throw me a party...so I'm going to let her plan a party...no planning for me...this time she is going to surprise me and do all the work...wonder what kind of birthday cake I will have...will it be chocolate...will it be vanilla...will it be strawberry shortcake...or my favorite with the strawberries and bananas...oh...I do love birthday cakes...everyone loves birthday cakes...and blowing out the candles...just like I used to do when I was a kid (I still remember when my mom made me a 'mini' party...everything was 'mini'...we had 'mini' hamburgers on 'mini' rolls...we had 'baby hotdogs in blankets'...and we had little chocolate cupcakes...the kind you make in the 'mini' muffin pans...and I got one of those 'EasyBake' Ovens that never really worked...but it was so much fun...so much fun...'Easy Bake' Ovens were easy...not like my complicated new microwave oven...the oven that overcooks my bagels instead of defrosting them like my old microwave oven did).

Yes, I'm going to go to some wonderful European place that I haven't been (well...maybe I will also go back to a place that I've visited too...I did go to Paris...but I didn't see it all)...Provence...so far that is top on my list...and I'm getting ready by using my ROC Protient Fortify Life and Define Night Cream...it's from France...so hopefully when I go to Paris or Provence my face will look as good as the French model in the advertisement...as the ad says "while I sleep, the formula's patented technology is working within my skin's surface to help strengthen and tone my skin...after 8 weeks my facial features are supposed to be lifted and the definition along my jawline, chin, and eye contour is supposed to be improved...we'll see...we'll see...I do want to have smooth and soft skin when I go to Paris or Provence.

Yes, I'm going to go to the spa...not a fabulous spa...but a day spa...on my birthday...on January 8th the spa is where I will be...need to make sure my body is in shape for my 50th year of celebrating.

Yes, I am going to spend some time at one of my favorite spots...the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in NYC...not sure when...one sunny day in 2008 I will go to the Mandarin...maybe for breakfast...or lunch or dinner...or maybe just for tea...I must enjoy the marvelous view of Central Park from the 36th floor on a sunny day.

I'm tired already...and my 50th year hasn't even begun...I think I better get some sleep and rest up...I will turn 50 in 35 days...and I need my beauty sleep so my ROC night cream can do it's magic...so my elasticity can improve...good night...sweet dreams.

Judi