It is Christmas...it is two weeks to my 50th birthday...50 weeks since I started counting down my 49th year...one week since my husband passed away...one long week..."life changes fast"...said Joan Didion in "The Year of Magical Thinking"...the book I read the past two days...amazing how I had not read a book in almost a year...yet, I read this book in two days...two days...I took solace in the grief she described...the grief she wrote about her deceased husband, John...the grief I am now feeling for my own husband.
As the memorial candle burns I am thinking about how my life has changed during my 49th year...yes...after 24 years of marriage...24 long years...in just six short months...in just one short week...my life has dramatically changed.
I still can't figure out how to work my new microwave oven...I wasn't worried about not knowing how to work my new oven...I thought my husband would be home eventually...he would show me how to work it...
I still can't figure out how to change the answering machine that says my husband's name when I check the messages...I wasn't worried about not knowing how to work the answering machine...I thought my husband would be home eventually...he would fix it...
I never changed the outdoor light bulbs either...the big bright bulbs that light up the outside of my house...even when the days grew shorter and the nights got darker...I didn't change the bulbs...or adjust the timer...I wasn't worried about not knowing how to fix the outdoor light bulbs...I thought my husband would be home eventually...he would change the bulbs...
But now...but now...I'll have to read the new microwave oven manual...and I'll have to call the telephone company and ask them how to change the voicemail message...and the light bulbs...the light bulbs may remain dark for awhile...but the days are getting longer...so there will be more light around the house...spring will be here soon...if the groundhog sees his shadow...or maybe not.
"So what are you going to do?"...I asked myself many times this past week..."How are you going to move on now that your husband is not coming home again?"...each day as I went to the hospital while my husband was sick...people would ask me..."How are you doing?"..."How are you managing through all of this?"...and my answer to each question would be the same old thing "I'm taking things one day at a time...one day at a time."
As I start to gear up for 2008...the year that likely will be my own year of "magical thinking"...I know there will be good days and bad days...days of many tears...and days of laughter...as I remember the past 24 years with my late husband.
The memorial candle will burn out in a few days...January will be here...my birthday month...a new calendar will be posted...another year of 365 days will begin...not sure how I will manage through them all...I'm not going to worry about it right now...nope...life is too short to worry...for now...I'm going to take things "one day at at time...one day at a time...just...one...day...at...a...time."
Judi
6 comments:
Judi, your post is so hauntingly lovely and loving. Starting down a path without your husband must be extremely difficult. With the light bulbs and such, being the reminders of plans halted and forever changed. (These are exactly the things I think of when I ponder life without my husband. He is the handy one and I rely very heavily on his "taking care" of such things. I know I could handle these nuisances, but am grateful that I don't have to. I'm sorry that you have to now - because it means he is no longer with you!)
My your heart find a place of peace as you go through this time of grief. May your new year be full of simple blessings as you recreate your life. May your moments of remembering the special (and mundane) times with your husband become easier and treasured.
Even though we do not know each other, I thank you for sharing and I will be lifting you up in prayer.
you are in my heart and thoughts. 2008 will be filled with challenge, triumph and love.
Judi:
Thanks for sharing so much of your life with us. Know you are surrounded by people who care.
Peggy
Hi Judi,
Just found your blog looking for an article about the stars turning 50 and I am touched and saddened by your story and your loss. You don't know me, I don't know you, but I wish you all the best in 2008 - just one day at a time.
:::Sending a virtual hug to a new virtual friend:::
Take care,
Shari
Judi,that was so beautiful. I don't know how you do it, but, you manage to always move toward the light. I know this book is going to be an inspiration for many, many other women and for all us idiots who thought Happily Ever After was in the contract of life.
Judi, your blog is full of love. God bless you and your husband. I hope he can recover sooner.
Post a Comment