Defining Moments

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve...December 31st...the last day of 2007...tomorrow is the last new year's eve I will ring in as a forty-something...and what a year this has been...I knew it would be a year filled with ups and downs...and downs and ups...but I never thought it would be a year of such catastrophic change...for me and for my family.

It is just shy of two weeks since my husband's passing...just short of two weeks since I picked out his resting spot...I remember driving to the cemetery with my brother-in-law (my husband's older brother)...as we both grieved in the car and wondered how this had all happened...how this had all happened so quickly...I said to him that "I never thought my 49th year would be filled with such a defining moment as losing my spouse." "Defining moment," he said, "This is not the defining moment...the defining moment is what you do afterwards...how you go on afterwards...that is the defining moment."

I've been thinking about those words since my brother-in-law said them..."the defining moment is what you do afterwards...how you go on afterwards...that is the defining moment"...yes...I've been thinking about those words...and about the other defining moments in my life...and what I did afterwards...

...like the defining moment when I graduated from high school and went to Cornell University...that was pretty big on the scale of defining moments in my life...it was a whole new world of learning...a whole new world of growth experiences;

...like the defining moment when I graduated from college and took the summer off to chaperone a teen tour on a camping trip across the country...I had graduated and was off to see America and Western Canada...to see the sunrise over the Rockies...to see the sunset over Lake Tahoe...to shoot the rapids in Wyoming...to see the big brown bears in Lake Louise and Banff...it was such an incredible trip...one I will always remember;

...like the defining moment when I returned from my summer travels and had to get a real job...a job in the big city...in New York City...I remember becoming a secretary in an ad agency...I knew how to type...I had a college degree...I knew I could make this job work;

...like the defining moment when I knew I could do more and was ready for a change (two months later...the defining moments happened more quickly when I was younger...I grew restless more easily)...at that moment up popped a new job right around the corner...a fabulous job as an editorial assistant at a magazine...what a wonderful job...writing...meeting new people...going to exciting press parties in the food, fashion, and beauty industry...it was lovely...at least for two years...until I grew restless again;

...like the defining moment when I left the city and took a corporate writing and public relations job outside the city...yes...I left New York City...my favorite city...but only during the day...at night I returned back to my teeny-tiny one bedroom apartment...the teeny-tiny apartment that I shared with a roommate...the teeny-tiny apartment in a third floor walk-up...in a muddy green tenement building...the apartment that enabled me to call myself a sophisticated 'city girl';

...like the defining moment when I met my husband...I was 25 (ah...so young...ah...to be 25 again)...he was 32...we fell in love...we moved in together...we explored the the city together...there were so many spots we frequented...walks downtown to Greenwich Village...walks uptown to Central Park...and Saturdays were the best at the green market in Union Square;

...like the defining moment when we left the city and moved to New Jersey...and I started another corporate job(that was a 'biggie' moment...not sure how he convinced me to leave the city...but he did...I made the move...despite the traffic circles and the task of learning how to drive again (drive a Cutlass...yes...I drove my husband's Cutlass Supreme...I wanted a big car around me if I was going to drive in New Jersey)...I made the move;

...like the defining moment when we tied the knot (on Superbowl Sunday in 1984...back in New York City on a cold January day);

...like the defining moment when we bought our first home (it wasn't exactly a house...I wasn't able to go all the way...I was still used to being a city girl...so we bought a townhouse...with a galley kitchen...and a carport instead of a garage);

...like the defining moment when I gave birth to my daughter (was I scared...boy...was I scared...I didn't know how to take care of a child...I remember when we brought her home from the hospital and I sat up all night listening to every murmur she made...was she okay...was she hungry...did she need changing...I did not know for sure...but as time went on...I learned how to be a mom);

...like the defining moment when I gave birth to my son (was I scared...boy...was I scared...I never had a brother...I didn't know how I was going to raise a little boy...I didn't know a lot about sports...and how was I going to potty train him...I left that up to my husband...he did such a good job (he did a great job with the sports too)...and I remember the pediatrician saying that 'no boy ever went to college without being potty trained');

...like the defining moment when we bought a real house...not a townhouse...but a house with a lawn and a backyard...and a two car garage (was I scared...boy...was I scared...how was I going to take care of this house...how was I going to pay for this house...the realtor had shown us a much more expensive house than we had originally planned to purchase...she knew I would fall in love with the large kitchen...and especially the artistic kitchen tiles...and want to buy it...and I did);

...like the defining moment when my daughter graduated from high school and left for college (was I scared...boy...was I scared...my first born going off to a strange new place...leaving the house...the house with the two car garage...and the large kitchen...with the beautiful artistic kitchen tiles);

So many defining moments in my life...and now one of the biggest of all...losing my spouse (sooner than I ever imagined)...boy...am I scared...and soon my daughter will graduate from college (and hopefully move to the big city...just like her mama did almost 30 years ago)...and my son will graduate from high school and leave for college (my baby boy...off to a strange new place...leaving the house...the house with the two car garage...and the large kitchen...with the beautiful artistic kitchen tiles)...wonder what I will do now...maybe I'll have to change the artistic kitchen tiles...they are getting a bit old...maybe I'll have to remodel the entire kitchen.

Defining moments...I'm thinking about those words again..."the defining moment is what you do afterwards...how you go on afterwards...that is the defining moment"

Judi